Little Rabbit Foo Foo Fifteen Years Later
Tonight on Hidden Camera we take you to the world of fairies. A world thrust into upheaval by the sudden fall of the Great Fairy Godmother and the meteoric, some say suspicious, rise of Little Rabbit Foo Foo. But who is this Foo Foo? Our sources paint a grim picture of a belligerent bunny with a violent reputation for which, fifteen years ago he was turned into a goon. Tonight, he addresses a special session of the fairy assembly. Our Hidden Camera reporter takes you, live, to Fairy Hall:
Fellow Fairies, Welcome Guests
Some of you know me as Little Rabbit Foo Foo, from when I used to mess with the field mice… Scoop Bop! Those were the days huh.
The rest of you maybe don’t know the story. Ask me some time and I’ll sing it for you. But that’s ancient history. That ain’t why this room is full of fairies. You come here to pay me respect and I appreciate that. After tonight there won’t be any Little Rabbit Foo Foo, no Goon, no Bugsy… Fifteen years, I paid my dues. After tonight you’ll call me The Fairy Godfather!
Change, fairies and gentlesprites! The main issue on our plate, aside from Tinkerbelle’s delicious pot-roast, is to change the fairy image. What are we doing, flittering around, sprinkling sparkle dust like some Disney, Stevie Nicks, Flower Children? Can you say “Image Problem”? You don’t get respect in a leisure suit made of palm fronds.
Nursery Magic Fairy, you here tonight? I don’t mean to single you out. Your territory is your own. I’m not going to make a mess in your crib, so to speak, but here’s the thing: After tonight no one gets “made real” without my say so. It just don’t look right, too nicey-nice. Instead you’ll be my scout. You see somebody promising, velveteen or otherwise, send ‘em to the Good Fairy who, as you probably guessed, works for me now. I hear any stuffed animals getting “made real” without going through proper channels and Scoop Bop!
We’re all distraught over the recent loss of Great Fairy Godmother. She was loved by many and the tragic pumpkin accident that befell her was as unexpected as it was bizarre. From what I understand she was working under the chassis of a homemade carriage when a wand in her pocket went off spontaneously.
Offices of the Union of Fairy Godmothers will be closed for a period of mourning. They’ll take this opportunity to do a little restructuring. The mothers and I have been in talks and it’s fair to say we’ve come to terms. I wont go into detail right now, suffice to say we’re going to be changing the name to the Union of Specially Empowered Helpers and we’ll be opening enrollment to wizards, witches, guardian angels and any other Deus Ex Machina that wants to fill out a form. Heck, if Santa Clause can fork over the dues he’s welcome to use the helipad. My good friend Mary Poppins will be running the show until the debris settles. Hopefully, with all the nicey-nices under her umbrella the rest of us will be able to resume our revenue generating activities.
To that end, we’ve been batting around some programs. One of ‘em we’re calling “Wishes for Horses”‘ll be an opportunity for some of our customers to kick a little back. Like a reverse pro-bono. Instead of focusing on the “low income needy” we’ll be targeting what we call the “high income wanty”. Rich kid wants a pony. Tap tap tap o’ the wand. Rich kid’s got a pony. We get a 30% piece of the track action.
Finally, my pet project, this topsy-turvy tooth fairy business. Frankly it’s been a loosing proposition since day one. We’re up to here in teeth. Literally! I took a tour of the tooth yards last week. Oh! And the place smells like Staten Island and the Jersey Turnpike rolled up and fermenting under the porch. Left me with a bad taste in my mouth. For three days I couldn’t stop thinking “rinse-spit”. I understand you just had a reorg but come on, one tooth-fairy or a thousand tooth-fairies, the business model is still wrong. Paying kids for rotten teeth? I looked into it. There’s no resale market.
I got a fix. After today, a tooth wont get you one thin dime. A couple of my trusted goons’ll be visiting these kids at random every night. Here’s the pitch, flat rate, no income differential. My guy gets five-bucks and the kid gets to keep all his teeth. Otherwise scoop-bop!
Well, we’ve come to the fluffy end of my tail. As your newly inaugurated Fairy Godfather I thank you all for coming down. Thanks also go out to our hosts Thumbelina and Tinkerbelle for the use of their opulent facilities. The spread is fabulous as usual. You always keep it real. We believe in you! Now please, ditch the corn-husks and go get yourselves some nice Versachi gowns.
Good spriteing everyone and fairy well.